Crazy Trades

I just finished reviewing my trades from my yesterday morning crazy.

They are the trades of a certifiably Crazy Woman.

It's fascinating to review an actual record of my crazy actions.

I am speechless.

My Crazy-Making Blame Game

I've been feeling like I've finally gotten my life somewhat under control and settled. What a great feeling that is! Every day I've been able to do the three things which I consider my mission in life: 1) Meditate every morning, 2) Day trade in order to make money to support #1 and #3, and 3) work on my book.

My mom's best friend just got laid off. She's 68 years old and doesn't know how to use the computer. Of course, everything is now online--applying for unemployment, applying for jobs, looking for jobs, etc. So I've been helping her. I make her sit at the computer and tell her what keys to push so she can hopefully learn to be self-sufficient and learn some job skills. It takes a lot of patience, which I am running out of. I haven't had time to work on my book since I've been spending a couple hours each evening helping her.

The thing I detest doing most in the entire world is helping people with their computer. I think all the old people who don't know how to use the computer should die immediately and relieve the rest of us of their burdensome presence. Younger people who don't know how to use the computer will be destitute and homeless and will get what they deserve. I'm neither exaggerating nor kidding. They need to learn or die or never call me ever again.

Last month, my mother-in-law and I decided she needed a new computer since her old one was not worth fixing. I found a great deal online, but she decided she wanted to use a new credit card, which she didn't have yet. I told her to call me when she gets it.

So now, she finally wants me to buy it. I figure my mother-in-law had her chance earlier so now she has to wait. I can't handle the irritation of helping 2 old ladies at the same time with their computers. Also, another friend is calling me who I assume also wants help ordering something online. I ignore that too.

This morning, my mom says I should call my mother-in-law and help her with her computer.

So as I'm doing my morning meditation practice, I'm actually thinking about how much I do not want to help any of these people. I try all sorts of strategies to help me overcome this feeling. I try to generate devotion. I think about interdependence and how it is impossible for us to exist without help from one another. I think about how many times I've been too dumb to figure something something out and needed someone else's help. I think about how the nature of samsara is suffering and that this situation is normal and inescapable. I think about how this human life has no meaning except to serve others. I think about how the buddhas and bodhisattvas work not only for the enlightenment of all beings, but also for their happiness and well-being.

That helps calm my mind a little bit and I manage to finish my practice. But deep down, I can't get rid of the irritated feeling that my life would be much better without any of these people and how I am damn tired of helping people.

Day trading is like playing sports. In order to perform, you have to be completely focused, alert, well-rested, and in a very good frame of mind. On my first trade of the day, I fat finger and I lose money in less than 3 seconds. Great. So, OK, no worries, it's early in the day, I have plenty of time to recover my loss and then some. I keep telling myself to stay cool, but I'm really pissed. I get into "revenge" and "make it back" mode. I lose more. And more. And more. After I've nearly tripled my losses, I give myself a time out and step away from the computer.

I stalk around the big empty house, blaming my mom for pissing me off first thing in the morning by telling me I should call my mother-in-law. I blame my mom's best friend because being tortured for 2 hours every evening makes me doubly angry because she's also stealing my happy book-writing time. I blame the repair guy for distracting me during my premarket prep. I blame our neighbor and her friend for coming outside my window and distracting me during trading hours bearing silly gifts of homemade, organic blackberry jam, apple butter, and hot pepper jam. I blame the phone that keeps ringing.

I try to figure out how I can eliminate all the people from my life. I can't eliminate my mom, because I'm living at her lovely house. I would have to move out, maybe back to my own house in Albany. I try to think up living scenarios in which I could live completely free of all human beings. As I'm meditating on this, slowly I realize with horror that I've become a prima donna who can only perform when the stars are perfectly aligned. Which, of course, will never happen. Ummm, what was that thing the Buddha said about not trying to cover the earth with leather, and covering your feet instead?

I realize that the act of blaming people is a whole, ADDITIONAL, negative emotion piled on top of the tediousness of helping people with their computers. I realize that the act of blaming is a lose/lose situation, and the biggest loser in the blame game is me. Here I am, in a complete fury, all by myself. Who's to blame now?

Then I laugh.

I can't control those other people. I can only control myself. I can choose how much I want to help them. If I need to, I can just let them know I can't help them. It's that simple and of course there will be no hard feelings. They are all very kind and understanding folks who only want the best for me. I can choose how much of a distraction they are to me.

I feel as if something has come unknotted.

I go back to my computer and watch the market. I make back 1/2 of what I lost in one trade. I bellow self-congratulatory, ghetto day trader type utterances, such as "We be takin' dem muffins when dey passed. We be letting y'all hold out for da shakey shakey over 70. We be taking da easy money at 60.97. We be nailin' da swing high right on da money." I call it a day, but continue to watch the market and look for good entries. I'm learning a new trading method and I realize that I've been completely missing the point of something the instructor has been emphasizing. I see the market in a completely different, more profitable light.

In the evening, I walk over to my mom's best friend's house. It's a lovely Indian Summer evening and I breathe the warm yet chill country air. I'm not happy, but I'm no longer seething with aggravation. I marvel at how much the blame game was responsible for that. I think our inner self understands the inherent futility of trying to make our worlds perfect. It's also really hard to stop ourselves from playing the blame game. So the whole exercise drives us crazy.

I help her apply for a job online. I tell her this is the last time I'm helping her with this particular task. This is three strikes and she's out after this and she better take good notes. Tomorrow I will help her with monster.com and careerbuilder.com. I see she wrote the URL's down and wonder if maybe she will figure it out herself.

I come home and pour myself some hot apple cider in a nice glass mug with a cinnamon stick and a splash of Stroh Rum and I sit down with y'all. Have you had the Stroh Rum? It's an Austrian thing and it's uniquely good. If you can't get it, don't worry about it. Your life will be just fine without it.

The purpose of my life

The purpose of my life is to live this human life.