It's not the book, it's the process of writing it and overcoming my hope and fear. Procrastinating and not working on my book is due to my fear of failure, fear of success, fear that living my secret dreams and wonderful life won't work out, fear that they will work out, and realizing that life and everything is immaculately perfect just as it is, this very instant.
Same thing with the day trading. I can take trade after winning trade, then impulsively take a loser or 2 in a row which wipes out all my previous wins. When I look back at it rationally, I can see it was clearly going to be a loser. So why do I do it? It's because of profound habits of negative behavior. I have a deeply-rooted fear of success. Which is based on a deeply-rooted fear and unwillingness to change. I am very cozy in my life right now. I love staying home and never leaving and not interacting with any people. If I became successful, I'd actually have to leave home, go on retreats, help out, interact with lots of people, etc. I actually don't want to do any of that!
I worked with a Flower of Bush therapist on that same issue! I was telling her of my phobia of writing. She called it "sabotage" and I knew she put the finger right on it. She said it comes from a lack of faith, the kind that makes us think we are alone and that we work alone. Even though there are many beings that accompany us. To succeed, she said to me, was to step in the light and to be noticed. And so we play hide and seek. (maybe it's an Asian thing, we are supposed to succeed but not to be noticed! ha!) Anyway, she gave me a Flower of Bush remedy for it...that thing is kind of amazing.
Anyway, my 2 cents to you is: stop trying to be anything, and just write the darn book. We have no idea who we are anyway. :)
Ahhhhh sabotage!!!!! Yes. Just write the darn book! OK you are so right. I think it is a bit of an Asian thing too. I was raised to try to blend in, which was really hard being the only minority, let alone Asian, growing up in Wadsworth. It was killing me to be so noticed! Yes just write the stupid book We have no clue who we are anyway!!!!!! You have to show me what this Flower of Bush thing is when you come.
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What does writing a book makes you become? :)
ReplyDeleteIt's not the book, it's the process of writing it and overcoming my hope and fear. Procrastinating and not working on my book is due to my fear of failure, fear of success, fear that living my secret dreams and wonderful life won't work out, fear that they will work out, and realizing that life and everything is immaculately perfect just as it is, this very instant.
ReplyDeleteSame thing with the day trading. I can take trade after winning trade, then impulsively take a loser or 2 in a row which wipes out all my previous wins. When I look back at it rationally, I can see it was clearly going to be a loser. So why do I do it? It's because of profound habits of negative behavior. I have a deeply-rooted fear of success. Which is based on a deeply-rooted fear and unwillingness to change. I am very cozy in my life right now. I love staying home and never leaving and not interacting with any people. If I became successful, I'd actually have to leave home, go on retreats, help out, interact with lots of people, etc. I actually don't want to do any of that!
ReplyDeleteI worked with a Flower of Bush therapist on that same issue! I was telling her of my phobia of writing. She called it "sabotage" and I knew she put the finger right on it. She said it comes from a lack of faith, the kind that makes us think we are alone and that we work alone. Even though there are many beings that accompany us. To succeed, she said to me, was to step in the light and to be noticed. And so we play hide and seek. (maybe it's an Asian thing, we are supposed to succeed but not to be noticed! ha!) Anyway, she gave me a Flower of Bush remedy for it...that thing is kind of amazing.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, my 2 cents to you is: stop trying to be anything, and just write the darn book. We have no idea who we are anyway. :)
Ahhhhh sabotage!!!!! Yes. Just write the darn book! OK you are so right. I think it is a bit of an Asian thing too. I was raised to try to blend in, which was really hard being the only minority, let alone Asian, growing up in Wadsworth. It was killing me to be so noticed! Yes just write the stupid book We have no clue who we are anyway!!!!!! You have to show me what this Flower of Bush thing is when you come.
ReplyDelete